Berty with a surprised look


Mattski with a surprised look on is face

Why are you a geek?

Two words: marching band. Two more words: adult braces. And how about the acne that keeps popping up on my face. I also like to spend a ton of time on a computer. I built this freaking web site for chrissakes! If that doesn't scream geek, I don't know what does.

Well, I think anyone who boasts that they are a “weather weenie,” and does it with pride mind you, classifies as a geek. Math is in my toolbox, and yes, I collect national park maps. In fact, you could call me a roadgeek. Nuff said, right?

How old are you?

I am 456 months old. That would be 266 dog years.


What's your favorite Color?

Purple. No, I am not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yellow - it's bright and very distinctive, like me!

What's your favorite planet?

Pluto. But since those ninnies at the International Astronomical Union ruled that it isn't a planet anymore I'm pretty pissed.

Saturn. That's a lot of moons and rings. Take that Jupiter!

Why are you doing this trip?

Why the hell not? You have a problem with this? I have a history of driving long distances for no good reason.

Uncle Sam is paying me to drive myself from Alaska to Maryland, where my new job is.

What do you fear the most about doing this trip?

Swamp butt. Seriously. I'm going to be sitting in a car for 6 days straight, sometimes for 12 hours or more a day. It's not going to be pretty.

Having major car trouble in the middle of South Dakota and not having any help.

How many pairs of underwear will you be bringing?

Well, with the threat of swamp butt looming, I will be packing 18 pairs.

11. That should be enough clean pairs to switch into for every time Berty cuts off a tractor trailer and I wet myself, right?

What kind of food will you be bringing along?

Junk food. For that high energy rush needed for long stretches of boredom that no amount of music and intelligent conversation can overcome. Specifically, I think I will pretty much eat only jelly beans and beef jerky. What? You have a problem with that too?

Munchies…trail mix, iced tea, sugar babies, and the occasional piece of fruit.

How much crap will you put in the car?

Well, apparently, there will be 18 pairs of underwear and copious amount of beef jerky and jelly beans on board, but you already knew that. We will be detailing many things on this trip. Make sure you check out the Numbers section to see exactly what we have on board.

Dad told me not to load it down too much, so I will fill the trunk, put so much stuff on the back and passenger seats that I can't see out the back, and that Berty will have to sit strapped to the roof. Just kidding…I will fill the trunk, and put bulky items on the back seat. No severe overloading…I don't think my rear shocks can take it.

What is (are) your favorite driving song(s)?

My favorite songs involve hypnotic beats and soothing melodies that allow me to fall asleep quickly. Wait…maybe I better buy some more Alice in Chains music.

  • “Boys of Summer” – Don Henley
  • “Open Road Song” – Eve 6
  • “Rock the Boat” – The Hues Corporation
  • “Showdown” – ELO
  • “All Around the World” – Oasis

What kind of sunglasses do you wear?

Black ones. Ray Bans. And I bought them recently, like 2001 or so, so I know they are wicked cool and totally in style. I also plan on purchasing several cheap pairs of glasses on the trip.

Rx Ray Ban sunglasses – and I just found out the Rx is too strong!

Which state on this journey do you think you'll like the most?

I'm going to say Washington. I imagine that it will be beautiful. I can also imagine that it can be deadly…we might get trapped for days in a freak landslide or avalanche or snowstorm and have to live on the stockpile of jelly beans and beef jerky.

Montana. They say Western Montana is where it's at…the lower 48 state that has the most wilderness and raw beauty.

In what state do you think you will lose it and kill your traveling companion?

Again, Washington. After the nutritious food is gone, I will need to kill and eat Mattski to stay alive. If we somehow manage to not get trapped in Washington, my second guess would be South Dakota. They don't call it the badlands for nothing.

The province of Ontario – those Crazy Canadians have their speed posted in km/h, and I know Berty will drive 120mph instead of 120km/h.

What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
(African and European)

Come on, now. Are you really asking that? Since you asked, it really is a simple question of weight ratios. The average cruising speed of an unladen swallow is 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour (I totally stole all of that from an incredibly smart dude named Jonathan Corum).

Crap, I don't know. 2m/s? Sucked into a jet engine?